What a rollercoaster this is. Yesterday I decided to give the Bean a “day off”- from the wishing, the wondering, the silent and out-loud pleading. I just decided to relax, and spent a really lovely day by any standards- never mind 5 days overdue standards- meeting up with friends, eating cake with little babies, having needles stuck into my body (I’m trying acupuncture… desperate times…) and enjoying a really special meal with G. I had wine, and steak cooked medium rare- I am WILD, I tell you. I figured that at this stage, women go into labour and get pumped full of morphine, pethidine and nitrous oxide, so a bit of alcohol and cow-blood wouldn’t hurt. It didn’t hurt, in fact it was great. But none of it- including the relaxing bit- did anything to encourage the little Bean out of her shell.
Today was not so great. I had a lovely lunch with Mum (this overdue lark involves a lot of eating out, it seems!), and spent another hour full of needles, which produced some rather exciting back pains which of course dissipated the moment I was depunctured. But the rest of the time was spent battling despondency.
It’s a bit like when you’re waiting to GET pregnant in the first place: everywhere you look are people who got there first and it makes you boil with irrational jealousy; you feel like a hostage to your body as you wait for a sign that something is happening; hours feel like days feel like weeks; and you try to push to the back of your mind the thought that it will *never* happen.
Except of course it’s nothing like trying for a baby. For the baby is made. Unlike the start of this journey, I know for sure now that it WILL happen, we will hold a baby in our arms. And it’s easy to forget,as these limbo-days of waiting for the Bean stretch by, how lucky that makes us. The me of 10 months ago would pull the me of today up by her britches. For what I am experiencing now is, after all, a very fine problem to have.