Save me from myself

First let me tell you: I have a degree. First class honours, actually (preen).  I read proper books, not just ones with pink covers and gold titles- though I am rather partial to those too, I confess.  I follow the news- nay, I WORK in the news. 

 So there is really no excuse or explanation for my horrific choices in film. For a start, I haven’t seen any of the classics. I haven’t seen Star Wars. I haven’t seen Pulp Fiction all the way through without falling asleep. I haven’t seen any of the Godfather films.

But the films I have seen don’t really make up for the lack of big hitters. Whenever G goes out or away for the night without me, I get a pavlov’s dog sort of reaction which sends me straight to Movies on Demand with an alarm shrieking CHICK FLICK CHICK FLICK blaring in my head. I’ll then waste £3.99 and 90 minutes of my time watching some god awful drivel. Which I don’t even enjoy.

The top three horrors which have scorched my eyeballs in recent months are, in order of direness:

At Number 3, the cliched and misogynistic Bride Wars: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway confirm that women really are shallow and obsessed with weddings- to the point where they will shit on their best friend with no qualms.

Festering in the Number 2 spot, The Sweetest Thing: Cameron Diaz proves that women might like to drink beer and tell obscene jokes, but underneath it all, bless them, they just want to wiggle their bottoms and find a nice man.

And crashing clunkily in at Number 1, Marley and Me: Jennifer Aniston, er, I don’t really know… has a dog? It…. jumps around a lot and… then it dies?  And the viewer is left feeling that the hollowness inside them could fill an entire universe? I still don’t know what that film was supposed to be about. Answers on a postcard please.

Not only are these sorts of films badly written, poorly acted and utterly two-dimensional , they are also, on the whole, morally reprehensible.

But for some reason I keep going back for more, hoping that the next one will be a great one. Maybe I’m stuck in the 90s, the golden age of rom com- when chick flicks were good (see Four Weddings and  a Funeral)  and even if they weren’t, I was a teenager so thought they were good. Whatever the reason, it has to stop. Especially as it’s come to my attention that in 9 weeks time (faint) I will have cause to be sitting on my behind for long stretches of time, both day and night, feeding a small creature.  I am going to need films.

So I need some help. Any reccommendations? But not horror. And not too violent (well, I don’t mind fighting but I don’t do torture). And not a blasted Jennifer Aniston monstrosity, *please*.  

I’ll start. At the moment, by virtue of the fact that I watched it again at the weekend and loved it again, my favourite film is (this is embarassing, but it is actually a good film) About A Boy. So you see, I have not turned my back on what you might call “female-skewed” movies. Just as long as the poster doesn’t have two people kissing on it, I’m open to suggestions.

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5 Responses to “Save me from myself”


  1. 1 Thursday November 30, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    I suspect I’m not the best person to give recommendations as chick flicks largely leave me cold *(I sat through Four Weddings and a Funeral just wanting to slap the character Andie McDowell played). My fave films however are:
    Gosford Park
    Paper Moon
    Hope and Glory
    Gone with the Wind
    Trainspotting
    The Fifth Element
    To Kill a Mockingbird
    The Shipping News

    *Disclaimer: I adore Sex and the City and got quite squealy last Christmas as Joe Brown bought me the whole boxed set.

  2. 2 Min November 30, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    The apartment – all time brilliant with shirley MacLaine
    big lebowski
    Fargo
    somethings got to give
    Shakespeare in love (bit if kissing there) and my current secret but oh so good shame, Twilight (the film and the quartet of teenage heart pounding vampire love). I realise that this last probably nullifies all the others, but really is so trashily good.

    Also on the list fir maternity leave if you haven’t seen it is all five series of The Wire – best tv in the world. Although you might forget to feed the bean…

  3. 3 ditheringheights December 6, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    ahhhh YES The sweetest thing should never have been made. How awful.

    Work your way through Angelina Jolie’s films (despite its apparent shitness I even enjoyed Tomb Raider), I’m assuming you’ve raided Harry Potter, the Northern Lights trilogy when 2 and 3 are out (jesus, are they ever coming?!), most things with Kate Winslet, nothing with Leonardo DiCrapio, even less with Russell Crowe (except for a Beautiful Mind), have you seen 21? I liked that. Juno, OOOH All those awful dance films; save the last dance, step up, step up 2…. Rendition, and other political embroilment ones. BOXSETS. Oh yes, 24, SATC, Ally McBeal (have no shame)…. and dig out all the classics, following Vivien Leigh and Elizabeth Taylor around.

  4. 4 Leah December 13, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    I am up for this challenge because I spent all my time at uni watching films. Sadly, I was meant to be studying geology and not film studies! Over the Christmas hols I will come up with some best of lists. Be a fun project for me.

  5. 5 bokker December 15, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    Thanks for the reccomendations, all. Lots to be getting on with there. Am also going to start watching a box set of Party Animals which my friend lent to me months ago, and am tempted by The Thick Of It, having recently read the immortal line, taken from the series: “I think you’re wrong, you’re like sultanas in salad”.


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