First let me tell you: I have a degree. First class honours, actually (preen). I read proper books, not just ones with pink covers and gold titles- though I am rather partial to those too, I confess. I follow the news- nay, I WORK in the news.
So there is really no excuse or explanation for my horrific choices in film. For a start, I haven’t seen any of the classics. I haven’t seen Star Wars. I haven’t seen Pulp Fiction all the way through without falling asleep. I haven’t seen any of the Godfather films.
But the films I have seen don’t really make up for the lack of big hitters. Whenever G goes out or away for the night without me, I get a pavlov’s dog sort of reaction which sends me straight to Movies on Demand with an alarm shrieking CHICK FLICK CHICK FLICK blaring in my head. I’ll then waste £3.99 and 90 minutes of my time watching some god awful drivel. Which I don’t even enjoy.
The top three horrors which have scorched my eyeballs in recent months are, in order of direness:
At Number 3, the cliched and misogynistic Bride Wars: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway confirm that women really are shallow and obsessed with weddings- to the point where they will shit on their best friend with no qualms.
Festering in the Number 2 spot, The Sweetest Thing: Cameron Diaz proves that women might like to drink beer and tell obscene jokes, but underneath it all, bless them, they just want to wiggle their bottoms and find a nice man.
And crashing clunkily in at Number 1, Marley and Me: Jennifer Aniston, er, I don’t really know… has a dog? It…. jumps around a lot and… then it dies? And the viewer is left feeling that the hollowness inside them could fill an entire universe? I still don’t know what that film was supposed to be about. Answers on a postcard please.
Not only are these sorts of films badly written, poorly acted and utterly two-dimensional , they are also, on the whole, morally reprehensible.
But for some reason I keep going back for more, hoping that the next one will be a great one. Maybe I’m stuck in the 90s, the golden age of rom com- when chick flicks were good (see Four Weddings and a Funeral) and even if they weren’t, I was a teenager so thought they were good. Whatever the reason, it has to stop. Especially as it’s come to my attention that in 9 weeks time (faint) I will have cause to be sitting on my behind for long stretches of time, both day and night, feeding a small creature. I am going to need films.
So I need some help. Any reccommendations? But not horror. And not too violent (well, I don’t mind fighting but I don’t do torture). And not a blasted Jennifer Aniston monstrosity, *please*.
I’ll start. At the moment, by virtue of the fact that I watched it again at the weekend and loved it again, my favourite film is (this is embarassing, but it is actually a good film) About A Boy. So you see, I have not turned my back on what you might call “female-skewed” movies. Just as long as the poster doesn’t have two people kissing on it, I’m open to suggestions.