I mentioned in yesterday’s post that, despite my hungover state on Sunday (boooo!), I managed to bust out a few moves with my hula hoop. It’s been observed that this is an unusual thing to just drop into a blog post, and so it’s only fair that I share the joy of the Dance Hoop Workout.
I bought the thing over a year ago, and yet only cracked open the accompanying DVD last week when I had a few post-holiday days off work. I was supposed to be writing my novel. And I did (write two chapters)! But more often than not, I felt a physical forcefield repelling me from the laptop. When I tried to write for longer than an hour or so, I’d find myself bouncing off to do something, ANYTHING, but write the damn book. Cleaning, clearing out the garden in preparation for winter, looking through cookery books for green tomato recipes (just admit defeat, fellow tomato growers! The toms are not for turning. Make chutney)… The list of things I did to procastinate is long and boring. A lot of the time I just thought deeply about life and hence went a bit mental.
Finally, whilst attempting to write Chapter Two, I found myself distracted by my post-holiday belly sitting uncomfortably atop my jeans. I could not possibly write (I told myself) because I had to do something about the belly. So I duly debuted the Dance Hoop DVD.
Boy oh boy was that a good decision. Not only is it an excellent workout- I’ve become obsessed to the point that I’ve done it most days since- it is also hilarious. It’s led by the FASTEST HOOP RUNNER IN THE WORLD, Betty Hoops (well, she just had to be a leading hula hoopist with a name like that, didn’t she?). Betty introduces the video with a very pleasant but slightly blank expression, addressing the viewer but not, disconcertingly, the camera. She informs you that this is a fun way to get in shape and be healthy. Then, with feet hip distance apart, you “give the hoop a really fast spin!” and proceed to clump and crash your way through the four elements.
It’s a prime example of lentil-weavery, let me tell you. The video is less “work it!” and more “feel the freedom in your arms as you explore the air around you”… “know that you can access the power of air, water, earth and fire at any point in your day”. I, dear reader, can access the power of boofus any time I dig out this DVD. Here’s a taster, thankfully not of me doing the hula, but of Betty Hoops and her amazing Dance Hoop workout: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9MntsaShi8
(Oh, you know what, I am going to learn how to embed videos, but now is not the time)
In my attempts to improve my physique, I’ve also been doing 120 sit-ups on the living room floor after each hula hoop workout. To accompany these agonising crunches, I select music videos from On Demand: Beyonce and the Pussycat Dolls being my divas of choice, ie scrumptious ladies with tiny flat bellies. That way, each time I torturously hoist my grunting, beetroot-red face upwards, I catch a glimpse of a wriggling, gleaming babe or five on the screen. Thus with every crunch I remind myself that I will not be hot like the Pussycat Dolls unless I persevere, and if I don’t carry on, the only thing loosening up my buttons will be my big fat tummy. Moreover, if I don’t continue to work it out like Beyonce, I’ll- you get it, right?
(Have just realised that the last para, in which I tell readers how I torture myself which pictures of thin celebs to spur me on in my body image goals, reads like something from I’mateenagebodydysmorphicOMG.com)
I will also carry on attending weekly Street Dance classes with my pals, and tomorrow I’m trying out a terrifying-sounding class called Military Fitness Training, with my mum.
I don’t think I’ll ever have buns of steel, but perhaps one day I’ll have buns of a moderately firm summer fruit.