I interrupt your normal sporadically updated blog, and my extremely short nap, to bring you news of an important campaign spearheaded by me, Leila Helen.
Sisters and brothers, too long we have been pacified with carefully selected, educationally stimulating and not inexpensive toys. My own parents- my OWN PARENTS- persist in torturing me with balls and building blocks.
What I really want is a plastic bag. A stereo cable. A pot plant to eat, especially the soil. To put my fingers into the DVD player. To climb into the bin and pull the clothes rail on top of my head, at the same time if I want to.
Fellow babies, isn’t that what you want, too?
But my oppressive parental unit turns a deaf ear to my pitiful cries. The Big Brother nightmare has become reality in 2010, as I, and innocent babies like me, am kept under constant surveillance to keep me from the things I desire . Just yesterday I had ploughed my way across the living room, ignoring an array of toys, and was on the verge of retrieving the multi-socket extension lead from deep underneath the sofa, when I was plucked from my endeavours by my cruel mother.
Well I say enough. Comrades, now is the moment. The moment for parental units everywhere to listen when we say: these “toys” are tedious. This is the moment for CAN’T: The Campaign Against Normal Toys.
Down with dolls! Throw your teddies in the trash! Every plug socket; every piece of random sharp plastic on the carpet (mum/ed note: how do these things get there?); every ball of hair; every bit of crap I found between the floorboards; that piece of cheese on toast I flung on the floor last week; these are the toys we demand. All of these are ours for the taking if we mobilise our cunning, speed and innocent puppy dog eyes.
We must be strong. We must slither, roll and commando-crawl our way determinedly across the floors of this land to seek out the sharp, unhygienic choking hazards that we have for so long been denied.
Babies of Britain, come together for CAN’T! Comrades, the future is bright!